Ambivalence

"The coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions."
School starts again on Monday. How is it possible that an entire month has passed already? I guess it wasn't much of a vacation considering I worked full time the entire "break." What can I say? Necessity trumps laziness. I should have spent today at the library completing first day reading assginments. My books haven't arrived yet because the booklist didn't get posted until two days ago. I'm going to be going to my classes on Monday unprepared for the first time in my law school career. I am surprisingly okay with that. If I get called on, I fully intend to announce that I would have been prepared, but the professor was too lazy to get the book selection to student services until the last possible second, so my lack of preparation is really his or her fault. I may or may not launch into a tirade about an insidious conspiracy between the law school and the bookstore to force students to spend outrageous amounts of money on books that can be purchased for half the price from online retailers. Grades came out a few days ago, mostly good news, with the exception of my Fed Tax grade. Darn, I guess I'm going to have to abandon my lifelong ambition of working for the IRS. Raise your hand if that one surprised you. Oh school. Enter the word of the day. I'm going through my time honored ritual of indulging in a pre-back-to-school panic attack. Why is this? Fully 19 of the 26 years I have been on this planet have been spent languishing in a classroom. I'm pretty much an expert student at this point, and still, I find myself rocking involuntarily at the thought of starting again at square one. I think it's the uncertainty of it all that is the most maddening. How am I going to balance work and school? When will I find the time to study? Why do I have to run yet another moot court competition? Will I be able subsist without sleep or food? Will I finally figure out a way to keep from infecting everyone around me with my insanity? These are all questions that have no answers, and they won't have answers for at least two more weeks. Generally that's how long it takes me to find my groove. In the meantime panic reigns. On the other hand, this is the last time I will experience this particular brand of anxiety. This semester looks surprisingly good. 14 credits will be comparatively light, and my work schedule looks somewhat humane. I have one class that is pass/fail. One class is a paper class. Only three final exams this semester. And then it's over. Over forever. This is the semester where I get to bring the champagne to my last class and try to hit the professor as I pop the cork and start the celebration. I'm trying to focus on the finish line. But my ambivalence makes it difficult. One semester is manageable. Another semester is more than I can handle. I'm excited to interact with and be intellectually challenged by classmates again. I dread the thought of hearing inane comments from that guy in each class. I might actually enjoy my classes this semester. Who am I kidding; there is nothing even remotely enjoyable about law school. This is what I've always wanted. Why haven't I dropped out yet? But more importantly, why isn't it over yet?