The lunch hour is winding down and I have a ridiculously huge stack of files on my desk. I've been daydreaming about 5:00pm since I walked into my office. I am about 6 months into the "new and improved everything" life I so eagerly anticipated last summer, and already I find myself grappling with the inclination to move on. There has to be a name for my condition. I think I'll call it Existential ADD. On Sunday I spent an hour teaching a class of 14 year old girls how to get their lives in order, with the overarching theme of "don't be dumb." I'm pretty sure I said that at least 5 times. The world is yours, with its infinite possibilities. Don't be dumb, and life will be easier for you. I live my life by that mantra, and I like to think I haven't made an excessive amount of dumb choices. However, with each choice I make, a roadblock appears in front of the option I did not choose. And the infinite possibilities life offers become more and more finite for me each day with every road not taken. It's hard not to idealize that road not taken. I sometimes find myself looking around at others and taking stock of my own life, which inevitably leads me to believe that I'm somehow behind, or not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. Of course this is ridiculous; I'm exactly where I knew I would be based on the choices I've made, but I still can't help but feel restless. I always thought of myself as a creature of habit with an affinity for routine. After all, there is comfort in familiarity. But as day to day life becomes more and more predictable, my current routine is starting to feel an awful lot like a rut. And while I'd very much like to escape that rut, I have a sneaking suspicion that whatever the next big thing is, it won't be big enough to hold my attention indefinitely. I wonder if they make a pill for this?
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“Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed.”--Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes
"If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche
About Me
- The one who writes stuff
- I am an attractive nuisance. I aspire to own Blackacre. I think people should spend more time invoking their right to remain silent and less time worrying about their right to free speech.
3 comments:
Oh, how I hear you. Honestly. If they made a pill, I'd take it. And probably OD on it.
But, bear in mind, if I do anything with my life, it is to serve as a shining example of "it could be worse, you could be me." Like, being almost 28, still in school, living in student housing, and catering to annoying freshman everyday, while dealing with professors who don't know how to teach. Um, okay, I'm really not complaining :)
Mer, I love that you get this. And I miss you like crazy. We simply must get together soon.
So many times when I read your blog I think, "That's exactly how I feel." I just can never say it the way you do. I've been at my job for 2 months. Two months. And I already have thoughts such as, "this is it?" In fact, working in a hospital has exposed me to new possibilities and I have had the horrific thought of going back to school to get a nursing degree! Because maybe it will open doors for me in a hospital setting, blah blah blah. It's like a drug...achieving a goal. Or achievement in general. Or what is it?? Seriously give me a drug!
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