Fearful symmetry

It's 9:00am on the very last Saturday of the summer. The lovely Oregon summer is still radiating with warmth and sunshine. It's one of those days where being outside on a blanket with a book is pretty much a moral imperative. And yet here I am...sitting at a table in the library, fighting a panic attack. I came here so I could check out one of my textbooks from the library reserve. First day assignments finally posted, and of course the one textbook I need, the one I ordered a month ago, still hasn't arrived. The bleary-eyed librarian regarded me with curiosity as I asked to check out the book. I stood at the counter for 10 minutes, waiting for his computer to boot up so he could entrust the text to me. Must I really do this again? You will remember that last year I had an epiphany of sorts, when I realized that I probably wouldn't seriously entertain the notion of dropping out again, given the fact that graduation was so close. Now it's a mere 8 academic months away. The longest 8 months of my life. There is another student here in the library with me. He is clearly a 1L. I can tell from his shiny new laptop (mine, dropped more than once, is held together with electrical tape and faith), his slick folder with the Willamette logo emblazoned on the front (really? people carry those around?), and his hopeful expression. Yes, another soon to be former idealist, coming to change the world. And then there's me. I'm still debating over whether or not to take off my sunglasses. I can already feel the ache in my bones, the ache of sitting too long in one position while trying to absorb impossible legal concepts. The ache in my eyes from straining in a dimly lit room amidst shelves of dusty tax codes. The ache in my soul from toiling so long and so hard at something that gives me no joy. At the beginning of the month, I proclaimed to my spouse that I was going to tackle this year with a positive attitude. After all, it's my last year of school, ever! What could be more exciting than that? I was going to savor the last few months of the ivory tower, and I was going to personify optimism. After I get this blog out of my system, I think I'd like to revive that goal. Outside there is a banner welcoming the Class of 2011. On the wall are the smiling faces of the Class of 2008. And in the middle is me...facing down a semester of Federal Income Tax, Secured Transactions, Real Estate Transactions, Deposition Skills, and Trusts and Estates. What about that line up shouldn't induce a panic attack? I think I'll do some reading to numb the thought away. Let's get this party started. The sooner it starts, the sooner I can leave.